Getting Out Of The Darkness

In support of our Men’s Wellbeing Matters campaign, one of our male clients opens up about his childhood trauma, how it affected the rest of his life and how he has managed to slowly rebuild himself through our support and through therapy.

“I was five years old and I was abused

I kept this secret for forty years

I won’t go into details

But I grew up a child alcoholic

It left me with mental scars which I’m dealing with now

I continued to drink until I was given a place in rehab aged forty-five

I have had two failed marriages

I spent months homeless and living on the streets

My family doesn’t know why and when

I used to think that I was mad

I have tried to commit suicide a number of times

I have spent a lot of my later years in hospital and the crisis house in Redhill

I used to spend a lot of my time in the dark with my own thoughts

I felt very anxious and depressed

I hated myself

I often thought that I was beyond help and I got to the point where I didn’t even care

It was a strange feeling of being alone and empty

Once I was referred to a mental health trust I had a lot of periods of one step forward and two steps backwards but I was still drinking quite heavily

I spent a year in rehab getting myself sober

And I’m still on a lot of mental health medication

But I was still left with the nightmares which was going to be the hardest part of my journey

I was introduced to MFT at the start of the first lockdown

MFT has given me a new direction

It was hard for me just getting onto Zoom

I’m not gadget-minded but I managed it

I joined the morning coffee group first which I enjoyed

I did not say very much but it was good for me seeing people so I didn’t go back to my old ways of isolating

I was made to feel very welcome by all the staff and the other services users on there

I also got to join the meditation group which again really helped me

One member of staff has supported me through some difficult times calling me when I was in a worried state

It helped me enormously

I now like to see people, I don’t often say a lot but I feel that I’m engaging which helps me

And with the help of my therapist and independence worker

And the meditation

I’m starting to win the fight

I don’t know if I will ever feel normal again but I’m trying

I’m now just passed my sixtieth birthday and I’m treating every day as it comes

I’m starting to believe in myself and believing that the past was not all my fault

I’m hopeful that with all the help that I’m getting I feel stronger every day

And I know that I’m winning as I get up every day

I have started looking after myself and engaging with people

And with help from the MFT I think that I’m ready to give something back”

If you’d like to write a blog, a poem, a song or share your story with us so it can help and/or inspire others, we’d love to hear from you! As part of our Men’s Wellbeing Matters campaign, we’re particularly interested in hearing from men about their mental health journey. Contact Connie, Communications Lead, at connie@maryfrancestrust.org.uk

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